Thinking about death

A few weeks ago while organizing my notes, I found a letter.

A will from me to everyone, written on 2007

Photo by Álvaro Serrano on Unsplash

The letter has the 'usual' greetings to the people in my life, and how I regret things I do, how I ask for forgiveness from the people I disappoint...and so on

Come to think of it, it's not the only 'will' I wrote actually. Somehow once in some years I just have moments when I thought I was going to die, and I just write a letter, just in case I leave some words I want to say unsaid. 

As a person, I think I have too many thoughts about death in my daily life. I always picture Final Destination scenarios in daily life, lol, you know, uhm the fan that will fall of from its motor and cut my neck or an invisible sharp thread cut me when I ride a motorbike, or a roller coaster lose the grip from its rail and throw me to the air and stabbed by a sharp tree, or falling in the bathroom and hit my eyes to the toothbrush then slipped and tangled by the shower. Those thoughts are just naturally come, wild and wilder imagination.

I also never thought I will reach my current age actually. I even 'predicted' that I will die before my birthday last year. Which was a total joke now (luckily). I also don't plan too long in the future as I thought that the world is going to end soon, and I'm going to die soon, and there is no need to think about the far future. Life will end before I even finish planning everything. And ironically those thoughts actually works well somehow in my life, because it makes me have more courage to just do whatever I want and to not read life too much. 

I guess it's kind of bluffing. Because despite the number of thoughts about death in my life, I don't even prepare well for my death and afterlife. Or it is not a bluff, but more like denial. Even though I think about death often, deep in my heart I still deny it to happen to me. Or it is not a denial, just laziness. Or maybe just frightened at the death itself. Or maybe just afraid of life in general.

Honestly, I don't know. 

Maybe it is better to not know?

err.