I thought I was on a ‘creative block’. I started to feel sluggish and hate to start doing everything that I usually enjoy doing. I will start open procreate or a paper but I couldn’t draw anything, I would look at the wooden blocks and just sigh, everything feels like a chore, I hate to clean the mess afterward, and so on.
I thought maybe ‘someday’ it will be over and I can start enjoying doing those things again. But, no, nope, nothing happened. I just laid on my bed, watching youtube videos (not that I’m saying that was wasting my time), and then a weekend will pass just like that.
There must be something I should do, I don’t really like this feeling of non-enjoyment, so I kinda ‘forced’ myself. Try to start it again. Starting is the hardest part. So, I tried to do it from little things.
From writing quotes, I found lately to my journal and decorate it.
I just pull out every stationery, stickers, and stuff, and working on it. The start was indeed hard, and I had to let go of the thought of making things extraordinary or something, but to just do it. And it turned out really enjoyable as it was before, and I spent hours on that in one weekend.
And then another week, I forced myself to work on the abandoned wooden blocks.
Again, I just pull out the wooden blocks, moved my table to make a space to work on it, and letting go of the thought that I will have to clean up all the mess after that. That day, I didn’t only make one, or two, but three mini creatures and had a really fun time.
And then today I ‘forced’ myself to open Garageband. And I worked on one song, and then I got frustrated because of my limited skills (lol) so I couldn’t make the sound that I really want. Then I remember, the last time I worked on a song that was an unfinished song, I couldn’t finish it because of the exact same reason. I couldn’t make the sound that I imagined in my head, that I really really like and want to make it. Thus I stopped doing it. And the feeling of frustration just gets in that it blocked the enjoyment that I felt before when I just made the song to enjoy the experimentation process. (Just to remind you, I am no professional, I just make a song for fun and as a creative outlet) But this ‘greed’ of wanting to make the song exactly as I imagining it won’t work, I think it also won’t work even if you have lots of technical skills, because a song is a result of a creative ‘flow’ that oftentimes, the result will be much different from what we intended and it is absolutely fine (maybe it is even better!). Because that’s what creativity is. (Disclaimer: I don’t know other people’s/professional’s experience on this, they may have a superb skill that could make all the song they imagine)
So I tried to just forget the sound that I wanted, and focus instead on the experimentation, to just make it as I go. Even the lyrics, just the same as I do usually, just say what I feel without really conceptualizing it (as if I have ever done that lolol).
And then, I did it, I finished two songs. It was fun (and that’s all that matters actually), it was experimental, and it was a ‘flow’. I planned nothing and just purely doing it as I go.
So that must be it. I got on a 'creative block' because of this 'greed' to do better, and on contrary, it makes the process unenjoyable, as I was too focused on the result and the 'ideal' that I set as well as the limitation I have. I 'forgot' to the point of it as my creative outlet, which was to have fun and experiment.
Once I let go of the 'ideal', 'result', and the 'mess', I can go back to the flow immediately.
Never forget why we do things, let go of the 'greed' that makes us too focused on the ideal result and our limitations that will block the fun of creative flow, and... just enjoy the process.
Anyway, you can check the songs on my soundcloud. 😄_____________________________________________________________________________
I just want to talk a little bit more about this song.
No plan B, this is plan Z
In this song, I talked about to build a bunker, and don’t trust anyone in this kind of catastrophe, even yourself. In some way, I’m actually talking about a physical bunker (been waiting for a joint investor for this project, the world’s going crazy, we should start soon—actually it is too late but whatever) as the plan Z because there is no plan B, everything is ruined already, so better start to protect ourselves, and actually we can’t do anything else, plan Z is the only plan that’s available.
But I’m also talking about an intangible bunker that I think I need right now, in the situation I’m facing now. It should be full of ‘food’, and enough water to help me survive for few years I guess, and it should be explosion-proof. And in this situation, actually, you can’t rely on other people, you should be the one who makes the bunker, and don’t even trust yourself (you can deceive yourself) so I should be aware of what I’m actually doing, and not let my guard down, if that makes any sense, I’m just talking to myself at this point, no one who reads it will get it, sorry.
Anyway, go listen if you want!
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